It’s Off To The Printers: Mark Twain’s Autobiography 1910-2010

A mix of illustrated writing and comics, this volume follows Twain as he navigates the Twentieth Century and makes his way into the Twenty-First. His adventures are tense, scary, sexy, mischievous, and sometimes embarrassing. Twain spills the dirt on his secret love affairs with Marilyn Monroe and Mame Eisenhower, tells about his spying and private detective work, and dishes about his involvement in film, TV and advertising. The time he took LSD, the day he tried to hypnotize a donut clerk. Where he first met Einstein and how they travelled through time together. How to build your own raft and the life of a hobo. And who really killed JFK…? All this and much, much more.

Available in September from Fantagraphics. http://tinyurl.com/3z7g32t

 

 

 

Twain and Einstein in Ding Dong Dane

“Great news, pal! I just sold another cartoon idea to the Banana Splits!” said Mark Twain, waving a check in Albert Einstein’s face. “Let’s go celebrate!”

“That is great news, partner,” said Einstein. “”Those Splits have been very good to you. But I am afraid I cannot celebrate with you, because I have to go play Hamlet tonight at the Delacorte.”

“You’re playing Hamlet?” asked a baffled Twain. “I didn’t know you acted, Al.”

“I haven’t previously,” came the reply. “But my good friend Tony Danza had to drop out, and since it’s a non-speaking part…”

“Hamlet, a non-speaking part?” expostulated Twain. “Au contraire, mon ami! Hamlet’s gotta speak a hell of a lotta words, and all in the correct order! You got some serious studying to do!”

“It’s no good,” moaned Einstein three hours later. “Look: you stand behind a tree on the set, and just tell me the lines as they come up.” Luckily at that moment the phone rang, with a call from the President. “Swing by my house, pronto!” It was another secret mission.

“How brief my time in the limelight,” sighed Einstein as the elevator shot downwards.

Twain and Einstein in The Adventure’s Off!

The police inspector was yelling at Twain and Einstein again. “You two are the worst nightclub owners in all of Soho! I’ll find something to plant on you if it’s the last thing I ever do!”

“I’ve got some potting soil in my underwear,” offered Einstein, but Twain wasn’t so obliging. “Look, Inspector, either charge us or book us! Our farm club is really fantastic, we want to go back there right now and disco with the animals.”

It had been only two weeks since the celebrated pair had opened Surprisers, the first nightclub to feature a petting zoo on the disco floor, as well as a working farm in the men’s room. The place was mobbed every night, and now supplied milk to all the local stores. As a result both Organized Crime and Organizing Farming had been ‘up in arms.’ On this latest raid, the police had found some acid planted behind a cow’s ear, and Twain and Einstein had both been pulled in. “I’ll get you for white slaving or something,” said the inspector, but finally he was forced to release them for lack of evidence.

“Where are the waitresses we just hired? I want to strike out with them,” said Einstein, who was newly single again. “I only hope one is mentally troubled!” But as they entered their office, they found a guest. He was a little timid-looking fellow in a rumpled tweed jacket, and his bulging glasses emphasized his disorderly greying red hair.

“Woodney Allenby, the famous comedian of self-embarassment!” exclaimed Einstein. “What are you doing here? We didn’t  order any pratfalls!” Mark Twain joined in on the ribbing. “Maybe he’s come to invite us to the Ployboy Mansion, Al!” he exclaimed. “Woodley’s there every night, I hear it’s a real swinging scene!”

Allenby winced. “Perhaps you gentlemen haven’t heard, but I have dropped the Nebbish business and am concentrating on my new singing career.” He jumped up and began singing:

Doin’ it in the overhead luggage rack

Mile high action, in a highly confined space

Coats and handbags pressin’ on my back

Hear the click as it opens, see the stewardess’s surprised face

Twain and Einstein were unimpressed. Woodney put down the tennis racket he’d been using as a pretend microphone and faced them. “The truth is, fellas, I need your help… as drivers!”

Twain was blunt. “Neither of us can drive, Woodney. If that’s what you need, we can’t help you.” Allenby was disappointed, but he thanked them and left. THE END

Twain & Einstein in “They Got Game”

     ”Great news, pal! I just sold another cartoon idea to the Banana Splits!” said Mark Twain, waving a check in Albert Einstein’s face. “Let’s go celebrate!”

     “That is great news, partner,” said Einstein. “”Those Splits have been very good to you. But I am afraid I cannot celebrate with you, because I have to go play Hamlet tonight at the Delacorte.”

     “You’re playing Hamlet?” asked a baffled Twain. “I didn’t know you acted, Al.”

     “I haven’t previously,” came the reply. “But my good friend Vinnie Jones had to drop out, and since it’s a non-speaking part…”

     “Hamlet, a non-speaking part?” expostulated Twain. “Au contraire, mon ami! Hamlet’s gotta speak a hell of a lotta words, and all in the correct order! You got some serious studying to do!”

     “It’s no good,” moaned Einstein three hours later. “Look: you stand behind a tree on the set, and just tell me the lines as they come up.” Luckily at that moment the phone rang, with a call from the President. “Swing by my house, pronto!” It was another secret mission.

     “How brief my time in the limelight,” sighed Einstein as the elevator shot downwards.

(Following Pop-Monkey’s suggestion, here is the above translated, through an online engine, from English to French, then back again. Some nice phrasing does appear)

” ; Great news, buddy! J’ just sold another idea of cartoon with the banana splits! ” ; Said Twain mark, undulating a control as a Albert Einstein ‘ ; face of S. ” ; Let’ ; S disappear celebrate! ” ; ” ; C’ is great news, associate, ” ; Einstein known as. ” ; ” ; These slits t’ were very good. But j’ am afraid which I cannot celebrate with you, because I owe m’ to tackle play Hamlet this evening in Delacorte.” ; ” ; You’ ; Hamlet of play Re? ” ; asked diverted Twain. ” ; I didn’ ; T know that you acted, Al.” ; ” ; I haven’ ; T previously, ” ; came the answer. ” ; But my good friend Vinnie Jones had to release, and since it’ ; ” non-speaking of part of SA… ; ” ; Hamlet, a non-speaking part? ” ; Twain expostulated. ” ; Opposite d’ With, friend of Monday! Hamlet’ ; S.A. obtained to speak about the words about Lotta, and all in l’ correct order! You obtained l’ serious study to make! ” ; ” ; It’ ; S no good, ” ; Groaned Einstein three hours later. ” ; Look at: you are held behind a tree on l’ together, and me known as just lines during qu’ they are raised. ” ; Fortunately at this time the telephone sounded, with a call of the president. ” ; Oscillation by my house, pronto! ” ; C’ was another secret mission. ” ; How file my time in fires of the slope, ” ; Sighed Einstein as elevator drew in bottom.

Twain and Einstein

From the new Thrizzle, coming out any day now:

WMHITEWTTUTDHCE Part 6

The thrilling conclusion!

WMHITEWTTUTDHCE Part 5

WMHITEWTTUTDHCE Part 4

WMHITEWTTUTDHCE Part 3

Twain & Einstein in “Space Busters”

     ”The Space Administration needed its Space Shuttle flown, they had to come to two old codgers like us!” crowed Einstein as the prepared to blast off. “I know,” replied Twain, jabbing at the controls. “I was there too, for all of it! Now we’re flying to outer space, to blow part of it up. The only other member of this crew is a terrified Chinese physicist,” he added wryly, for he, too, loved exposition. There was a huge roar and they blasted off into space. The G-forces made funny patterns on their faces, but also made it impossible for them to laugh. Then they were in space.

   “I’m going to go back and see what Wei Ning wants for lunch,” said Twain, who had appointed himself the spaceship’s cook. Putting on his chef’s hat, he pushed the button that opened the door to the back. Instead of working, though, the button melted into a leering face. “Death awaits you!” the button leered as the viewscreen began to display wailing, vaporous shapes. “Woooooooooooh!” they went.

     “Get NASA on the line- this spaceship is haunted!” barked Twain. Einstein came over and examined the supernatural button. “Looks haunted, all right. Pensacola, we have a problem! That’s what I’m going to say to them, right now.”

     “Spaceship, we have a corresponding problem also,” crackled the voice from the speakers. “We can’t get a ghostbuster up there in time. You’re going to have to deal with the ghosts yourself. Find out what’s pissing them off.” Another, older voice came on- a voice full of wisdom and power. “Look into your heart, Twain & Einstein,” the voice suggested. “That could help. This is the President…The American people are behind you. Or, rather, underneath you. Maybe the ghosts are protecting some hidden gold,” he concluded hopefully before hanging up.

     “Wei Ning just jumped out the window,” observed Einstein. “The ghosts must have held a special terror for him.”

     “The ghosts have claimed their first victim, unless he’s fine,” said a grim Twain.

      “Well, partner, I guess this is it. I’m not turning into one of them,” breathed an emotional Einstein as he held a cocked pistol to his head. “See you in hell!”

     “Now, now, Al, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” advised Twain, taking the pistol away. “We’ve already met you as a ghost, but that was in the future! I’m sure we can handle these surly specters without handling a sweat,” he continued hastily as Einstein brought out a harpoon. “Let’s look around for a secret grave.” Einstein nodded, and put the harpoon away.

     They found it three hours later- a mound behind the Captain’s chair. Digging it up, they discovered a body- the body of a young woman. “You can go now,” shouted Twain to the ghosts. “Colonize the moon.” It turned out the head of NASA had murdered her and placed her on the shuttle to avoid being caught, also some Native Americans who had objected to his schemes had been his victims as well, they were in the laundry bin. 

     “Now let’s go blow up that part of space,” said Einstein. And they did.